There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
