Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
