I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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