rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
