The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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