Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
