Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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