I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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