I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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