i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Randomize
