I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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