so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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