i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
