I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
