1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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