Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The air was thick with penises
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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