Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
