apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
