After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
