totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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