Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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