He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
