i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
