I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Semen is not good for contacts.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
