The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
