in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
