I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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