I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
