apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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