Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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