I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
