He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
It was confusing and full of hummus
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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