i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
