some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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