My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
