i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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