Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk