If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.