I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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