OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
