My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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