Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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