I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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