He uses pillows to masturbate.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
