My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
