i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
