You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
