I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
