Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I wear drunk well.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
