so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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