I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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