You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize