Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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