I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
