Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Boobs speak an international language.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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