nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Are we still banned from the library?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
