just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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