Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
