I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
