nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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