i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
