So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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